Hi MatriMojo Couples! Are you ready to keep working on Strong, Spicy and Contagious Marriages???

Consider the following (paraphrased) quote, “Society is great at raising children into mediocre adults. If you want to raise exceptional adults, now that takes work.”

We know that all of you MatriMojo Couples hold a similar philosophy when it comes to the most import relationship in your life – your marriage. We don’t want a good or mediocre marriage…we want exceptional!

To that end, our friends at ScreamFree Marriage just released a book that can help turn your common marital conflicts and conundrums into a lifelong connection. Consider working on this area as a special gift to your spouse this Valentine’s day.

We encourage you to read the first chapter for free. Or purchase the entire book (and they will donate a copy to a military family.)

Whether you read the first chapter or the entire book, we’d like to hear your thoughts.
Did you like it? Did it work? What else did you do to celebrate your relationship for Valentine’s day?

Please post your comments and engage the power of the MatriMojo community.

Who do you hang out with as a couple that breathes life into your relationship?

Who do you learn with as a couple about how to more fully live this commitment called marriage?

Who do you look up to as a couple because of their contagious “couple power?”

In essence, who is on your Couple Power Team?  This is the group of people that form who you are as a couple and the rate at which you are growing or withering in your relationship.  They either bring you power or zap it from you.  Choose these people carefully and purposefully!

We’ve adapted The Power of 6 by Dave Stech to provide essential criteria for determining who really should be on your Couple Power Team:

1.  Your Couple Power Team must be better than you at some aspect of marriage. (If you don’t know about the Permanent Domains of Concern for Marriage, just ask us via email.)  You must be committed to rising to their level of performance in that aspect of marriage.

2.  Your Couple Power Team must be committed to helping you succeed and to improving their relationships with no excuses, just as you are committed to them.

3. Your Couple Power Team must be mature enough to accept their own limitations and be open to help AND help you do the same

4. Your Couple Power Team must be Givers, NOT Takers.  Givers find joy in helping others – and they receive (not take) because they know that receiving with gratitude is a gift to the giver.

5. Your Couple Power Team must have their own Couple Power Teams and strive to perform in their relationships at a higher level each year.

Your Assignment this month is to develop your own Couple Power Team.  Choose carefully and purposefully.  Then recognize these couples using the new Couple Spotlight feature on MatriMojo.  Recognition is more powerful than money.  Recognition feeds the soul.  It’s one thing to be successful; it’s quite another to be recognized as successful.  Send each couple this link to the Couple Spotlight questions so they can share with the whole MatriMojo community.

Now that the sugar rush has worn off from Easter candy and you can think clearly again, we’d like to share something with you that we’ve been working on this month.

In ScreamFree’s March e-newsletter, Getting Mad is Madness, Jenny Runkel said being “mad” is a mental state in which someone is overcome with emotion and acting without restraint or reason.  She reminded us that, “No one can make you get mad. You, and only you, are in control of your emotions. So, if you are getting mad, you are the one making yourself crazy.”  The ScreamFree alternative is to pause, notice our reactions, gain our composure and response in a calm and cool manner.

We started to notice the times we were reacting in our interactions with each other and our children.  It wasn’t pretty.  You could say we were overreacting or justified in our reactions, but the point is that we were reacting – we were NOT in control of our own emotional responses.

So what?  Well, in this process we happened to notice a beautiful aspect of marriage….

In the moment, we couldn’t even see in ourselves that we were reacting instead of responding.  But we could see it for each other at the times when it mattered most!  We could help each other stop the damage by pausing, reflecting and choosing how to respond.  We were able to help each other see that we were being controlled by our emotional reactions.

So, here’s the practical action for the next month:

1. Read the ScreamFree article Getting Mad is Madness by Jenny Runkel
2. Be aware of your own emotional reactions to situations throughout the day, for example:
   • when your spouse does something that irritates you
   • when your children don’t listen
   • when someone cuts you off in traffic
   • get the picture…?
3. Practice pausing, gaining your composure and choosing to response in a calm and cool manner
4. Once both you and your spouse have done this individually, you can both agree to help each other intervene “in the moment”
5. Encourage others by posting your comments at the bottom of this Monthly Mojo

Aye, lads and lassies!  It’s the month of lucky leprechauns!  

Speaking of luck, you might have heard the saying that “luck favors the prepared.”

Well, we invented a similar saying that “great marriages favor the attentive.”

Think about this….If you are inattentive to the regular maintenance required to keep your car running smoothly, the car will eventually break down.  It is not a matter of “IF” you will have problems, it is really a matter of “WHEN” (and how much it will cost to repair.)

The same is true in your Marriage- regular attention to maintaining your relationship will prevent major breakdowns.  Being in regular practices to keep your relationship strong, spicy & contagious does not mean you have a bad marriage.  Instead, it means you are attentive to keeping your Marriage running well.

For example, to keep our Marriage running well, we attend at least two Marriage retreats/enrichments per year and we make time to connect daily.  We are supported by other couples in monthly small group conversations.  These practices help us pay attention to the quality of our relationship at all times.  The purpose of all this attentiveness is to keep “US” strong and avoid the natural tendency to focus only on “ME”.  Plus, it is way more fun than ignoring our relationship and having to do damage control when something breaks!

Now, for the practical application, try the following:

1. Reflect on the areas of your Marriage in which you are very attentive to the quality of your relationship.

2. Share your specific practices with the MatriMojo community (post your replies at the bottom of this Monthly Mojo.)

3. Read what other couples shared and engage them in conversations that will help you design your own practices.

4. Agree with your spouse on the new practices you will use to be even more attentive to the quality of your relationship.

5. Share this exercise with other people and engage them in the conversation.

Sincerely-

JB & Sharon Colletta

What is Love?

The “month of lovers” has come to an end.  After all the cards, roses and sweet nothings, shouldn’t we all be experts on LOVE???
 
Sadly, we think that the majority of people are confused, misled and generally ineffective when it comes to living out this “thing they call love”, especially within marriage.
 
 
Can you define the word “love”?   Is it an emotion?  Is it a thing?  It is an action?
 
 
We are proposing new definitions for “love” that are effective for living a Strong, Spicy & Contagious Marriage.  
 

1. TO LOVE - is a choice or action – specifically it is doing what is best for the other person, even if what is best for them does not suit me.

This is NOT:
- an obligation to do something for the other person
- selfish interest in helping the other person because it helps me
- an emotion (“feeling love” for the other person is NOT an emotion”.  It is really a declaration that I will do what is best for them)

2. TO BE LOVED - is a choice or action – specifically it is letting down my guard and opening myself to the other person’s actions to love me.

This is NOT:
- making the other person help me out of obligation
- taking advantage of the other person’s willingness to help me
- an emotion (“feeling loved” is NOT an emotion.  It is really a judgment/assessment that the other person is in the ACTION “To Love” me)
  

Now You Try…If you are serious about building and maintaining a strong marriage, we encourage you to do the following:

- Consider NOT using the word “love” as an emotion
 
- Consider NOT interchanging emotions and judgments/assessments
 
- Begin using the distinctions “To Love” and “To Be Loved” as the choices/actions defined above
 
- “Share the love” by doing what is best for other couples – pass this knowledge on & LIVE IT in your Marriage!

Sincerely-

JB & Sharon Colletta

We recently heard a speaker talking about forgiveness and the very important distinction between “intellectual” forgiveness and “emotional” forgiveness.  The speaker’s message was that just saying the words, “I forgive you”, is not enough – we actually have to let go of the negative emotions attached to the situation and/or person that hurt us.  Otherwise we hold on to these emotions and undermine our relationships.  The words are typically for the other person, while letting go of the negative emotions is for us.

We could see an immediate applicability to marriage.  We recalled a number of times in our relationship when a conflict was re-triggered after supposedly having been resolved with an “I forgive you”, but the negative emotions were still there.  This distinction has helped us be more aware of our emotions so we can reconcile, let go and get on with building strong, spicy & contagious marriages.  (P.S. – it works with all relationships!) 
Now You Try…

If you are serious about building a strong marriage, we encourage you to do this individual exercise.  Think about the top 5 situations in your marriage where you have been hurt.  Now narrow it down to the #1 situation.  What spontaneous inner reactions do you have as you recall this situation?  If these feelings are negative and/or get you “fired up”, then you may need to spend some serious time letting yourself LET GO – forgiving at the emotional level – so you can remove this barrier to intimacy with your spouse. 

Try it.  Then have your spouse try it.  Then enjoy the breath of fresh air you just created in your marriage.

Sincerely-

JB & Sharon Colletta

A recording of the entire interview and Q&A is available online at www.matrimojo.com/screamfree.html

Welcome to the MatriMojo community. 

We are currently lining up interviews and teleseminars with some great marriage professionals.  

Add your name to our email list and we will notify you with updates.

Sincerely- JB & Sharon Colletta